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C o p y r i g h t © 1 9 9 8 by
Bert Hellinger, Gunthard Weber, and Hunter Beaumont.
All r i g h t s r e s e r v e d . N o p a r t o f t h i s b o o k
may be reproduced whatsoever without the written
permission of the copyright owner.
Published
ZEIG,
TUCKER
&
by
Co.,
INC.
3614 North 24th Street
Phoenix, Arizona 85016
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hellinger, Bert
L o v e ' s h i d d e n s y m m e t r y : w h a t m a k e s love work in relationships
/ by H e r t Hellinger with G u n t h a r d Weber and H u n t e r B e a u m o n t ,
p. cm.
T r a n s l a t i o n a n d r e w o r k i n g of: Z w e i e r l e i G l u c k .
ISBN 1-891944-00-2
1. Family psychotherapy. I. Weber, G u n t h a r d . II. B e a u m o n t ,
H u n t e r . III. Zweierlei Gluck. IV. Title.
616.89 156—dc21
98-13152 CIP
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Foreword by Gunthard Weber
Introduction by Hunter Beaumont
PART O N E T h e P h e n o m e n o l o g y o f
Intimate Relationship Systems
C h a p t e r O n e
Guilt, I n n o c e n c e , and the Limits of C o n s c i e n c e
C h a p t e r Two
M a n a n d W o m a n : T h e F o u n d a t i o n o f Family
C h a p t e r T h r e e
Parents and C h i l d r e n
C h a p t e r F o u r
T h e C o n s c i e n c e o f the Family G r o u p
C h a p t e r F i v e
Love and the G r e a t e r Soul
PART T W O Psychotherapeutic Considerations
C h a p t e r S i x
T h e T h e r a p e u t i c Posture
C h a p t e r S e v e n
S o m e Helpful Interventions
C h a p t e r E i g h t
Specific T h e m e s in Systemic Psychotherapy
Appendix
Influences on t h e D e v e l o p m e n t of
Hellinger's Work
327
1
3
31
92
150
190
203
205
251
302
iv
v
ix
iii
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
M a n y people have c o n t r i b u t e d generously to this effort.
To J o h n B. C o b b for teaching me to think a b o u t process—holisti-
cally and systemically.
To K. E. a n d H. A. for p r e p a r i n g the g r o u n d .
To J o h n H o b b s for his generous gift of time a n d skill in correcting
my g r a m m a r a n d style and for s u p p o r t i n g my t e n u o u s relation-
ship t o the c o m m o n c o m m a .
To D e b B u s m a n for courageous a n d caring criticism that helped.
To Colleen, my wife, with w h o m I have learned m o s t of w h a t I
k n o w a b o u t relationships, a n d for the space, confrontation, love,
a n d criticism.
To Erik a n d Jesse, my children, for m a k i n g my life very worthwhile.
To my p a r e n t s for m a k i n g everything possible.
To m a n y u n n a m e d others—friends, relatives, s t u d e n t s , colleagues,
critics—who have c o n t r i b u t e d directly and indirectly.
To Bert Hellinger for the work, and for the a b u n d a n c e of s u p p o r t
a n d care.
M y heartfelt gratitude,
Hunter
Beaumont
iv
FOREWORD
by
GUNTHARD
WEBER
I n his p o e m , " L e g e n d s o f t h e O r i g i n s o f t h e B o o k T a o t e C h i n g d u r -
ing L a o - t z u ' s E m i g r a t i o n , " Bertolt B r e c h t d e s c r i b e s h o w a c u s t o m s
official got L a o - t z u to declare his k n o w l e d g e before he w i t h d r e w to
the m o u n t a i n s :
On their fourth day among the boulders
A customs man blocked their way:
"Valuables to declare?"—"None."
And the boy who led the oxen, spoke:
"He has been teaching."
And so his knowledge was declared.
The man, in his excitement
Asked: "What! Did he make a profit from it?"
Said the boy: "He gained knowledge that soft water,
Moving over time, defeats the mighty stone.
You understand, that the hard is weak."
I later l e a r n e d t h a t L a o - t z u ' s b o o k is also i m p o r t a n t to B e r t H e l l -
inger.
F o r m a n y years, I have r e g r e t t e d t h a t a l m o s t n o t h i n g h a s b e e n
written a b o u t B e r t Hellinger's work, a n d m a n y o t h e r s have told m e
that they feel t h e s a m e way. Still, I c a n well u n d e r s t a n d his c a u t i o n
i n c o m m i t t i n g t o writing s o m e t h i n g that o t h e r s m i g h t treat either a s
a revelation of t r u t h or as c o n f i r m a t i o n of their p r e j u d i c e s . " T h e
spirit m o v e s like w i n d , " he h a s said. W h a t is w r i t t e n loses its c o n -
nection to real life so easily, loses its vitality, a n d b e c o m e s o v e r s i m -
v

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